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Post by bonniej2 on Feb 6, 2007 11:01:58 GMT -5
A Love Story
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied,
"A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail then." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
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Post by ugly on Feb 6, 2007 11:41:12 GMT -5
Sorry I dont know any new jokes. If you started an old jokes thread then I could help.
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Post by bonniej2 on Feb 6, 2007 11:51:34 GMT -5
I meant- new thread for jokes. The other thread was so long ago that I didn't think I could find it. So knock us out with the old jokes, as long as they are good ones.
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Post by ugly on Feb 6, 2007 11:52:48 GMT -5
Right more stipulations, now they have to be good. I dont know what to do.
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Post by What comes around goes around on Feb 6, 2007 11:57:58 GMT -5
Frozen Skunk...
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night, when the
wife asks her husband to stop the car . There was a baby skunk lying
at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover , but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
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Post by FloggingSully on Feb 6, 2007 12:27:16 GMT -5
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 6, 2007 12:33:07 GMT -5
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and hang out with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York . Act like one.
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 6, 2007 12:35:22 GMT -5
Tips For The Perfect Marriage...
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" ... So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though! My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
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Post by bonniej2 on Feb 6, 2007 12:58:58 GMT -5
tpay, is your real name Rodney Dangerfield?
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Post by fanforlife on Feb 6, 2007 13:12:49 GMT -5
The Good Husband Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! ! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS
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Post by Stardust on Feb 6, 2007 14:32:46 GMT -5
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now....cause this is the last stop!
"And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train.... cause we're going on down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language.
Two Hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...
"All passengers please remember your things, thank you and I hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue...
"For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, PLEASE see the bitch in the kitchen."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 6, 2007 15:44:27 GMT -5
Italian Bread...
One morning, two old men, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench. The 87 year old had just finished his daily jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high -- but the most important thing is that you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
The part about stamina with the ladies intrigued the 80 year old so much that on his way home he stopped in the local bakery. As he looked around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help. He said: "Do you have ant Italian bread?"
"Yes," she said. "There's a whole shelf of it. Would you like a loaf?"
He smiled: "Yes, I want 5 loaves."
"My goodness," she exclaimed. "Before you get to the fifth loaf, it's really going to be hard!"
"Damn!" he replied. "Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing except for me!"
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 6, 2007 15:50:29 GMT -5
Bubba slipped into a sex shop and was looking around with a very confused look on his face. "Are you looking for anything in particular, sir?" asked the man behind the counter. "I'm... well... I'm not for certain what I have in mind." Say’s Bubba. "I just want something to spice things up between me en Bernice" "Well, in that case," said the knowledgeable clerk, "I'd suggest a French Tickler." "That sounds like fun." replied Bubba, "But I don't reckon she'll go for a threesome."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 6, 2007 15:55:35 GMT -5
Two working girls were riding around town with a sign on top of their car, which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign, which reads:
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 6, 2007 15:58:38 GMT -5
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair really smells nice.
The woman, in a huff, immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains what had occurred.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice."
The woman replies, "He's a midget!"
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