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Post by FloggingSully on Mar 20, 2007 12:17:22 GMT -5
Q. How did the blonde break her neck while raking leaves? A. She fell out of the tree
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Post by Wiltz on Mar 20, 2007 14:17:20 GMT -5
Why did the chicken cross the road? (New twist) > > > > >DR. PHIL: >The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he >must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it >goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to >do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his >"CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems. > > >OPRAH: >Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he >wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn >from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to >give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and >not live his life like the rest of the chickens. > >GEORGE W BUSH: >We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. >We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. >The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground >here. > > >COLIN POWELL: >Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image >of the chicken crossing the road... > > >ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: >We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been >allowed to have access to the other side of the road. > > >JOHN KERRY: >Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against >it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the >chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. > > >NANCY GRACE: >That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in >his eyes and the way he walks. > > >PAT BUCHANAN: >To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. > > >MARTHA STEWART: >No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a >standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price >dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider >information. > > >DR SEUSS: >Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the >chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. > > >ERNEST HEMINGWAY: >To die in the rain. Alone. > > >JERRY FALWELL: >Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in >front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's >why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is >gay. >And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. >I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that >the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the >other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as >plain and simple as that! > > >GRANDPA: >In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told >us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. > > >BARBARA WALTERS: >Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the >chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it >experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its >life long dream of crossing the road. > > >JOHN LENNON: >Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in >peace. > > >ARISTOTLE: >It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. > > >BILL GATES: >I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but >will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check >book. >Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. >This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \ >.... reboot. > > >ALBERT EINSTEIN: >Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the >chicken? > > >BILL CLINTON: >I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of >chicken? > > >AL GORE: >I invented the chicken! > > >COLONEL SANDERS: >Did I miss one? >
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oc
Round of 12
Posts: 294
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Post by oc on Mar 20, 2007 17:37:59 GMT -5
Got this from a Scotsman on another website:
"What did St. Patrick say as he drove the last of snakes out of Ireland?"
"How are ya boys doin back thar?"
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ISU2008
Round of 12
Big XII Champs, NCAA 2nd
Posts: 445
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Post by ISU2008 on Mar 20, 2007 22:05:30 GMT -5
A son asks "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure." The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 21, 2007 7:47:05 GMT -5
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change." None. Social workers never change anything. None. They empower it to change itself! None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit. None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness. Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care. Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 21, 2007 7:50:15 GMT -5
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from behind a trash bin. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.
"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 21, 2007 7:56:49 GMT -5
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,392:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently, 4 to complain that they were happy with the old one, 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs, 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs, 53 to flame the spell checkers, 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list, 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames, 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb, 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped, 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list, 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty, 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs, 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs, 12 to flame the AOL users for violating netiqutte and blame them for starting this whole thing, 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that "are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list," 45 posts Wikipedia references. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too," 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy, 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three," 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ, 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup, 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here, 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 21, 2007 8:18:00 GMT -5
What engineers say and what they mean by it
Major Technological Breakthrough.. (Back to the drawing board)
Developed after years of intensive research.. (It was discovered by accident)
The designs are well within allowable limits.. (We just made it, stretching a point or two)
Test results were extremely gratifying.. (It works, and are we surprised!)
Customer satisfaction is believed assured.. (We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all)
Close project coordination.. (We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this)
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties.. (We are working on something else)
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period.. (We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something)
A number of different approaches are being tried.. (We don't know where we're going, but we're moving)
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem.. (We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while)
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive.. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch)
The entire concept will have to be abandoned.. (The only guy who understood the thing quit)
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties.. (We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch)
Essentially complete.. (Half done)
We predict... (We hope to God!)
Drawing release is lagging.. (Not a single drawing exists)
Risk is high, but acceptable.. (100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may have a 50/50 chance)
Serious, but not insurmountables, problems.. (It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager)
Not well defined.. (Nobody has thought about it)
Requires further analysis and management attention.. (Totally out of control)
The project is designed for high availability.. (Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes)
This project has low maintenance requirements.. (We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby)
The software is being developed without excessive process overhead.. (The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese)
The delivery is scheduled for the last quater of next year.. (This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late)
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 21, 2007 8:21:20 GMT -5
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank God," returned the taxpayer. "I thought you were going to want cash."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 21, 2007 8:25:15 GMT -5
Tony died and was sent to be judged. He was told that he had cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos saw their friend Jon up ahead, with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel. Stunned, Tony and Carlos asked Jon how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these awful women. Jon replied "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, 'Damn income taxes!'"
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 21, 2007 8:36:28 GMT -5
Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?" Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed three quarters?" Nurse: "No change yet."
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead. "Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor. "Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead. "Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?" "Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?" "OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 21, 2007 8:42:22 GMT -5
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
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Post by sgallan on Mar 21, 2007 12:53:43 GMT -5
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he keeps on trying!
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Post by FloggingSully on Mar 21, 2007 13:56:26 GMT -5
Q. Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids?
A. Because everytime his wife starts to get hot, he hits her with a shovel
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 22, 2007 8:03:09 GMT -5
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
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