tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 22, 2007 8:09:26 GMT -5
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: May I see your Drivers licence?
Lady: What does it look like?
Officer: Its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 22, 2007 8:12:26 GMT -5
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 22, 2007 8:13:18 GMT -5
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.
Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel", replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 22, 2007 8:19:03 GMT -5
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that I'm 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 22, 2007 8:25:41 GMT -5
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 22, 2007 8:32:29 GMT -5
Why Studying Is Better Than Sex
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 22, 2007 8:35:30 GMT -5
An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice."
"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never,Father", replied the old man. "I'm Jewish"
"So why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 23, 2007 20:36:00 GMT -5
Tax Season...
A man, called to testify before the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," his accountant said.
Then the man asked is lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you," his lawyer counseled. "Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to a philosopher, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution for the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," the rabbi replied. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother told her: 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when the bride-to-be asked her best friend, her friend said: 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.'"
The man protested. "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"Because, my friend," the rabbi said. "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 23, 2007 20:44:31 GMT -5
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist.
Mom, he doesn`t even believe there`s a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway.
Between the two of us, we`ll show him how wrong he is."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 23, 2007 20:46:22 GMT -5
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch the wall!"
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 23, 2007 20:47:27 GMT -5
Two guys are shopping in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, “I’m sorry, I was looking for my wife.”
“What a coincidence. So am I, and I’m getting a little desperate,” says the other man.
“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”
“She’s tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass.
What does your wife look like?”
“Oh, never mind. Let’s look for yours!”
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 23, 2007 20:53:01 GMT -5
Men are Like...
...placemats they only show up when there's food on the table
...mascara they usually run at the first sign of emotion
...bike helmets they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly
...government bonds they take so long to mature
...copiers you need them in reproduction but that's about it
...lava lamps fun to look at it but not all that bright
...bank accounts without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest
...high heels they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it
...curling irons they're always hot and always in your hair
...mini skirts if your not careful they'll creep up your legs
...handguns keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 23, 2007 20:56:24 GMT -5
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he finally woke, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 23, 2007 20:58:23 GMT -5
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'., "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 23, 2007 20:58:58 GMT -5
A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward.
One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the truth, dear. Is this third child really mine?"
"Yes, dear," replied the wife, "but the other two are not."
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