tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 7, 2007 10:20:04 GMT -5
Yo mama is so hairy......
Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rug burn at birth!
Yo mama so hairy she look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock.
Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 7, 2007 10:21:03 GMT -5
Yo mama is so poor......
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,” DING!"
Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a food stamp.
Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 7, 2007 10:24:06 GMT -5
Yo mama is so stupid......
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read
Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a tax refund.
Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hears the ocean!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo mama so stupid she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 8, 2007 1:55:15 GMT -5
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well . . . last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
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Post by What comes around goes around on Feb 8, 2007 9:19:21 GMT -5
Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and K.C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, dang, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff
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Post by Flop the Nuts on Feb 8, 2007 18:37:06 GMT -5
OK, don't read this if you don't like sex/bodily function jokes.
One night I was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. I'd toss them in the air, then catch them in my mouth. In the middle of catching one, my wife Shawna asked a question, and as I turned to answer her, a peanut fell in my ear. I tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. I called Shawn for assistance, and after hours of trying we became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As we were ready to go out the door, our daughter Megan came home with her boyfriend David. After being informed of the problem, David said he could get the peanut out. David told me to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up my nose and told me to blow hard. When I blew, the peanut flew out. Shawna and Megan jumped and yelled for joy. David insisted that it was nothing and Megan brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, Shawna turned to me and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" I replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 20, 2007 8:00:19 GMT -5
All of a Sudden POOF!!!...
A man is driving home late one night and is feeling quite aroused. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, he thinks to himself, "You know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles." He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to slake his erotic desires. Soon, he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The man looks at the cop in complete horror and then down at the pumpkin he is holding between his hands. Thinking real fast, he says to the cop, "A pumpkin? Damn! Is it midnight already?"
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 20, 2007 8:02:02 GMT -5
That Pervert...
Ralph goes over to Doug's house. Doug's beautiful wife, Mary, answers the door and tells Ralph that her husband will be back soon and he's welcome to come inside and visit with her till then ... While Ralph and Mary are waiting, Ralph comments on how nice she looks. She smiles appreciatively. Ralph then offers to pay her one hundred dollars just to see one of her perfectly shaped breasts. Mary is shocked at first -- but then she thinks of what she can buy with $100. She finally says yes -- as long as he doesn't touch her or tell Doug. Ralph agrees to the conditions and puts a one hundred dollar bill on the table as Mary exposes a most beautiful breast. He glares longingly at the sight before him. Mary quickly buttons her blouse back up -- a little embarrassed but $100 richer. Then Ralph offers Mary another $100 if she will remove her blouse completely and let him see both of her breasts in all of their glory. Mary quickly agrees, takes off her blouse and exposes both breasts to him. Ralph, smiling sheepishly, hands her the second $100 bill and says he better leave before they both get into trouble. Shortly thereafter, Doug returns. Mary, in passing conversation, mentions that Ralph stopped by for a minute. Doug says: "That pervert?! I hope he left the $200 he borrowed from me last week."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 20, 2007 8:03:16 GMT -5
The Bowling Excuse...
Dave works hard at the office and often comes home late. So, for his birthday, his wife wants him to relax and enjoy himself. She decided to take him to a Hollywood strip club.
When they arrive, the doorman says, "Dave, how's it going?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this place before. "No," answers Dave. "That fellow is on my bowling team."
When they're seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Sam Adams.
His wife is getting uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for her to know that you drink Sam Adams."
"No," he replies. "She's in the ladies' bowling league. My team shares lanes with them."
Just then a stripper comes over and says, "Want your usual lap dance, Davy?"
With that, Dave's wife can't take it anymore and storms out out of the strip club. She quickly hails a cab, but before she can slam the door, Dave jumps in after her. Immediately, she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns around and says, "Damn, Dave. Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 20, 2007 8:04:10 GMT -5
In Good Company...
A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 20, 2007 8:23:01 GMT -5
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered double-decker bus trip to London. There are only two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss so up to the upper level she goes.
A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn. She takes the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.
"What's goin' on?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below, singing and laughing."
The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
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ISU2008
Round of 12
Big XII Champs, NCAA 2nd
Posts: 445
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Post by ISU2008 on Feb 23, 2007 1:00:10 GMT -5
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 23, 2007 2:37:26 GMT -5
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 25, 2007 3:24:34 GMT -5
The Great Philosophers said...
Woody Allen: "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things money can buy."
Steve Martin: "You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
George Burns: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
Harvey Korman: "Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building."
Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal in women. Among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 25, 2007 3:25:33 GMT -5
Some Things You Just Can't Explain...
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset! But that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain"
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