tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 23, 2007 21:00:10 GMT -5
What is a Marriage Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand. Socrates "Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 23, 2007 21:01:01 GMT -5
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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Post by RYou on Mar 23, 2007 21:21:50 GMT -5
Did you hear about the gals at the Delta Zeta sorority at Depauw University that were ousted because they were overweight ?
Well, they've started up there own sorority - the Delta Delta Burkes.
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Post by Stardust on Mar 23, 2007 21:39:00 GMT -5
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Post by bonniej2 on Mar 23, 2007 23:44:49 GMT -5
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Post by garagelogic on Mar 26, 2007 17:21:07 GMT -5
Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence..."Fookin' stop doing it then!"
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Post by garagelogic on Mar 28, 2007 18:15:37 GMT -5
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's' expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and Registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Deal. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
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Post by garagelogic on Mar 28, 2007 18:16:04 GMT -5
A 90 year old man went to see his doctor. He said, "I feel fine.
I have a 24 year old wife who is pregnant with my child. What
do you think of that?"
The doctor thought for a minute and said, "I have an elderly friend
who is very fond of hunting, in fact he never misses a season. One
day he left to go hunting and mistakenly picked up his umbrella instead
of his gun. He went out in the woods and saw a beaver sitting on the
bank of the river. He picked up his umbrella, pointed it at the beaver,
said bang bang, and the beaver fell over dead...
What do you think of that?"
The 90 year old man said, "I think somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly."
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Post by garagelogic on Mar 28, 2007 18:16:47 GMT -5
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies:
"I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"
The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money; I'm doing community service this week."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to improve your business and becoming more successful".
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
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Post by garagelogic on Mar 28, 2007 18:17:06 GMT -5
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother. Men will never learn.
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Post by garagelogic on Mar 28, 2007 18:17:30 GMT -5
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you" She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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Post by garagelogic on Mar 28, 2007 18:17:58 GMT -5
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer, who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles. "It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied . . "Vietnam".
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 28, 2007 23:40:32 GMT -5
The Amish Elevator...
For the first time in their lives, an Amish boy and his father were in a big-city mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a large-breasted gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 29, 2007 8:58:49 GMT -5
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 29, 2007 9:01:43 GMT -5
A man came home, screeching his car into the driveway, and ran into the house. He slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The wife said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," he said. "Just get out."
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