tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 25, 2007 3:27:42 GMT -5
Guide to Sex & Calories...
It's been known for years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, for the first time in the Western World, here are the true caloric benefits of sex.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES: With consent....................... 12 Calories Without consent.................... 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA: With both hands........................ 8 Calories With one hand.......................... 12 Calories With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM: With an erection....................... 6 Calories Without an erection.................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES: Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories
POSITIONS: Missionary............................. 12 Calories 69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories 69 standing up......................... 112 Calories Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories
ORGASM: Real................................... 112 Calories False.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM: Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...... 816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are: 20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories 30-39 years............................ 80 Calories 40-49 years............................ 124 Calories 50-59 years............................ 972 Calories 60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories 70 and over.............................Death
DRESSING AFTERWARDS: Calmly................................. 32 Calories In a hurry............................. 98 Calories With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 25, 2007 3:28:39 GMT -5
It Sounds Like....
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Such as Tylenol = acetaminophen, Aleve = naproxen, Amoxil = Amoxicillin, Advil = ibuprofen.
The FDA had been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and just announced that it decided on mycoxafloppin. Other considered names were mydixadrupin, mystixarizen, mycoxadud, dixafix, and ibepokin
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Post by The Big Not Quite as Stiffy on Feb 26, 2007 5:44:18 GMT -5
Recently there has been a medical study released...
The case study started in South America. The question was why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft. South America spent $12.6 million dollars and came to the conclusion that it is to enhance the sexual experience for the female. China then did the same study. After spending $29.2 million, they came to the conclusion that it is to enhance the sexual experience for the male. Shortly after China released their findings, a couple of college kids from Princeton decided to do the same experiment. $34, a bottle of ky, and a playboy later, the come to the conclusion that it's so your hand doesn't shoot off and hit yourself in the forehead.
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Post by bonniej2 on Feb 26, 2007 21:25:56 GMT -5
Tpay that dairy farm joke's bad!!! I grew up on a dairy farm and I milked my share of cows.
I had an uncle who was two years older than me and the same age as my sister. He was kind of like a brother to me. He worked for my dad on a regular basis. When we were in high school, sometimes he'd come to school with a good dirty joke and it always ended with "...and your dad told me that in the barn!". My dad's pretty straight, but the barn was his cave - the boys' room when we girls weren't around.
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Feb 26, 2007 23:35:33 GMT -5
Tpay that dairy farm joke's bad!!! I grew up on a dairy farm and I milked my share of cows. I had an uncle who was two years older than me and the same age as my sister. He was kind of like a brother to me. He worked for my dad on a regular basis. When we were in high school, sometimes he'd come to school with a good dirty joke and it always ended with "...and your dad told me that in the barn!". My dad's pretty straight, but the barn was his cave - the boys' room when we girls weren't around. bonniej2....."Some Things You Just Can't Explain"
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Post by bonniej2 on Mar 6, 2007 22:03:14 GMT -5
A blonde got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened so she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
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Post by bonniej2 on Mar 6, 2007 22:10:06 GMT -5
And another one... A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos - it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." "Wow, said the blonde, "That's amazing. I'm going to buy it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked. "It's a thermos - it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blonde replied......." Two popsicles and some coffee."
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Post by homerdindon on Mar 7, 2007 10:35:50 GMT -5
I read this one in Maxim, but I don't have the magazine with me, so bear with me. I thought it was a good one though.
A married man is at the grocery store doing his shopping for the week, when an older, attractive woman approaches him and says
"I hate to bother you sir, but I think that you may be the father of one of my children."
The guy thinks and is puzzled as to when this could have happened, as he has been faithful to his wife since they have been married. He finally thinks long enough and replies,
"Ohhhhh, are you one of those kinky prostitutes that I had a three-way with on the pool table at my bachelor party??"
She replies, "No, I'm your son's English teacher."
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odh
Round of 12
Posts: 487
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Post by odh on Mar 8, 2007 12:56:49 GMT -5
Why does a dog licks his balls?
Becasue he can
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odh
Round of 12
Posts: 487
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Post by odh on Mar 8, 2007 12:58:15 GMT -5
Two rednecks were sitting a porch watching a dog lick his balls. The first says "Man, I sure wish I could do that" The second says "Got right ahead he don't mind"
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 20, 2007 8:52:29 GMT -5
I Want to Buy That.....
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 20, 2007 8:53:40 GMT -5
Are You Really Sure?....
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 20, 2007 8:58:20 GMT -5
Three blonds on death row...
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
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tpay
Round of 12
Posts: 356
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Post by tpay on Mar 20, 2007 9:06:02 GMT -5
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
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Post by homerdindon on Mar 20, 2007 12:12:07 GMT -5
Women's rights
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